i just hope to be happy and healthy again.

rained @ 1:25 PM

life is short; cherish all your loved ones around you before they are gone, and not having tears of regret when its too late..

rained @ 2:25 PM

if i have the chance, i will leave this place.


damn it, i will just fucking get lost, get out of your sight, if thats what you wanted.

rained @ 3:06 PM

some people are just not worth to be considered as a close friend;
and come to think of it,
why do i realise it only now?
what a fool am i.

you're history as of today.

rained @ 10:14 AM

Unmistaken Child is one of the best documentary i've ever watched.
no regrets; strongly recommended for those who believe in Buddhism and reincarnation.
its amazing how they can come to find the reincarnated Lama through astrology, dreams, etc.

no doubt, this documentary portrays an unmistakeable beauty of human life.

having watched that film,
it inspires me to explore further into their teachings.

rained @ 8:54 AM

空虚. . .

rained @ 5:56 PM

that very day,
it was her usual appointment with the doctor at the TB centre.
in the morning, she was in one of her unusual energetic form which makes us pretty glad,
otherwise it would be difficult to bring her out of the house.
none of us expected anything to happen that day.

it was supposed to be me accompanying her to see the doctor, which was always the case,
but i was held up with my studies that i seek help from another aunt to accompany her. 
as usual, uncle came to fetch her and aunts..
and as usual, they have to wait for the nurses and doctors even though the appointment time stated 2pm.

(the previous time i went, we waited one hour, ONE HOUR!
not that there are many patients around; i'm sure there are less than 5.
how can they make an old lady on the wheelchair, who can barely lift up her head to wait for an hour?
we have to take turns to support her head, for we are afraid that it might strain her neck..)

the nurses came to take her blood, and all tests turn out fine.
aunt was still adjusting her mask before pushing her into the doctor's room - she was still awake.
when the doctor wanted to check on her, they realised things wasnt right.
no pulse; no heartbeat; no longer breathing.
the doctors and nurses were stunned,
they didnt know what to do..
because they have never came across a patient who passed away at their centre!

nevermind with that,
the specialist came and tried to revive her but it was futile - she was gone.
me and another aunt rushed down with her identification card (to register for the death certificate).
when i reached the TB centre, and when i saw her already half 'bundled' up body waiting to be sent to TTS mortuary, i felt myself losing control of my movements.. .. all weak and about to collapse anytime.

i touched her face, it was cold..

that very moment, it truly dawn onto me that she's gone..
she has left us all for good.

--------------------------------------------

after her funeral and cremation,
i felt exhausted.
with the days of sleepless nights, with .. tears..
it knocks me out totally.

with only 2 days left to study before the first paper,
it was tough.
i couldnt get myself to concentrate at all.
so, i went for the paper half-heartedly, with zero confidence.
indeed, the paper was a disaster.
i had the urge to tear the paper apart.
and the freaking cold air-con make me immobile; hands and feets numb.
it hinders my brain to work, and i think i'm like drawing instead of writing.
sighs.
whatever.
i left many questions blank.
it would be a miracle if i could pass.
next paper on tues,
again, zero confidence.
sighs.

no mood.

its Mother's Day tomorrow;
but she couldnt live pass this very special day.

i miss her.. very much. =(

rained @ 3:43 PM

i feel so lost right now.
i need to talk to someone to pour out my sorrows, to cry out loud.

i feel the exam stress, yet i cant bring myself to concentrate on anything right now.
things happened too abruptly; and i'm totally on the verge of breaking down.
sounds silly but yes, i did thought of giving up the exams, given the fact that, i know i wont be able to study at all.
people are giving me encouragement and all the 'good luck' wishes; but i dont feel that to be of any help-they aint the ones taking the exams anyway.

first paper on friday, and i have yet to study..
i'm scared.
i dont wish to flunk the paper; but i just dont have the time to study.
grandma's cremation was today, and i was totally drained out by then.
i'm exhausted both physically and mentally.

i miss them so much.
sighs.

rained @ 6:08 PM

depressed.

rained @ 11:59 PM

i need more concentration.

rained @ 4:44 PM

grandma's health is deteriorating day by day..
and she weighs at only 26kg now.
it really saddens me to see the state she's in now.
but... what to do?
sighs.

rained @ 6:38 PM

mood is ridiculously bad;
i can feel the stress and pressure.

rained @ 5:57 PM

the erratic weather leaves me in a constant state of restlessness.

the world is coming to an end!

rained @ 4:02 PM

grandma's condition doesnt seem to have any improvements.
she will just go into a sudden 'non-reactiveness' at any point of time.
seeing the state she's in now, it really pain us all.
there's nothing we can do other than to pray that she can smoothly finishes her last journey without much sufferings. :/

and we have to be on 24hrs standby,
for she may have a sudden relapse of a seizure, fever, cough...

-----------------------------------------------

classes have finished; mock exams in the midst.
luckily its not the finals, else i will be dead.
totally not in the study-mode;
i cant seem to concentrate given grandma's condition.

rained @ 10:16 AM

sometimes, i dont see any reason to live on.
the only consolation i have is the 2 dogs.
they are the reason why i am still hanging on.
i feel tired, really.

yet another trauma last night;
panic attack afterwhich.

rained @ 1:51 PM

grandma was discharged on tuesday,
but she was admitted again last night.
and now,
the doctor suspected its her relapse of brain tumor,
that explains her occasional fits.
she was eating well yesterday's morning;
after having fits in the afternoon,
her condition changed.
we've got no choice but to send her back in again.

having had mild pneumonia and tuberculosis,
and if its true that she has brain tumor as well,
i'm really wondering whether a normal person can survive through all these,
least mentioning an 85 years old person having to go through such a tough battle at this age.

its so heart-wrenching..

rained @ 10:24 AM

HAPPY LUNAR NEW YEAR

and

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!

birthday wish:
i really really hope that grandma can be discharged from the hospital soon!

rained @ 6:23 PM

right now, i'm staring into the laptop screen.
i feel scared; i really dont know what should i do.

grandma is admitted to the hospital (due to cough and slight fever).
we never have thought that,
history is repeating itself again.
she has got pneumonia.

when we first got the news,
my heart dropped; followed by tears of fear of losing her.
we already have had a nightmare 8 months ago;
i do not wish for another.

please, i just hope that she can survive through this festive period.
reunion dinner is still waiting for her.
=(

rained @ 4:15 AM

gotten a birthday gift yesterday from my aunt.
it was the most expensive yet valuable present i've ever received.
althought i'm not one who really fancy jewellery (i go for fake ones usually),
but since she asked whether i want or not,
i was thinking, WHY NOT? heee..
so...

i chose a

Destinee Ring.

no, she's not rich,
she merely trade-in those jewellery bought decades ago.
it has since appreciated quite significantly.
good for her, but of course good for me too. :)

-----------------------------------------------------

met up with girl friend last evening for dinner.
as usual, we will always meet up during this point of time since our birthdays are just 3 days apart.
it has since been a routine i must say,
just the 2 of us. :)
i really feel at ease whenever i'm with her.
we can just talk about anything under the sun;
bitching, gossiping, bad-mouthing, laughing at each other.
other than her weird habit of visiting the toilet (almost) after every meal,
we have quite a number of things in common.
perhaps that makes us why we are still as close as ever.
cheers to friendship!
:)

rained @ 9:42 AM

new year's coming; birthday's coming,
but i'm totally not in any festive or celebrating mood.
=(

rained @ 12:01 PM

oh, and i almost forgot.

HAPPY 4TH BIRTHDAY TO CREAMY!

and,

HAPPY 5TH BIRTHDAY TO FLOFFY!

love them so so so much. :)

rained @ 8:55 AM

rained @ 8:48 AM

i have no idea why i've been thinking so much about my past r/s even though it was over long ago.
perhaps the impact i've gotten is too huge for me to just simply forget about it.
it hurts so much.

it has since left a scar in me,
and it somehow made me afraid to open up my heart again.
perhaps i will never trust another guy again, seriously.

i'm scared of yet another heartbreaking outcome.

rained @ 8:56 PM

finally managed to complete an assignment, but there's still another yet started.
and that's the tough one.
just feel so restless today, and tired as well.
if not for the demanding and strict teacher,
i might just decide not to do it. :x
(its alright to be lazy once a while.. :>)

anyway,
mum's 54th birthday is coming,
and we've made a reservation at Lingzhi Restaurant for lunch buffet tomorrow.
i hope the food doesnt disappoint me.

after buying mum's a birthday gift,
i'm too broke to sponsor for the buffet.
supposed to be a 50-50 share for the present between bro and me,
but, as usual, he reduced his share portion to 30-70.
what a stingy person.
*rolls eyes*

anyhow,
hopefully mum likes the pair of (real) diamond earrings.
(she's been hinting to me that she couldnt wear those fake ones due of her overly-sensitive ear lopes.)

rained @ 4:08 PM

i have never seen a dog, who is limping,
yet still can run about - very fast!
i really dont know to laugh or to worry for her.

luckily, she's fine now.
maybe it was just a cramp.

its really funny to see creamy running around with only 3 legs + 1 leg hanging in the air.
but at the same time,
SHE SCARED THE HELL OUT OF ME LA.
i thought her leg broken or what.

stupid girl.

rained @ 4:48 PM

i just realised how similar can a dog and a human be in terms of character.

CREAMY IS AS STUBBORN AS ME!

makes me so mad sometimes,
especially when she's dilly-dallying when comes to meal time.
but come to think of it,
can't blame her,
for i'm like that too.
:x

putting all such negativity aside,
she sure have her ways of cheering people up.
and i'm so glad she's with me during those bad times.

speaking of which,
i am happy to have friends who still cares for me.
thanks for everything. =)

(p.s: kl, the tagboard is up! :>)

rained @ 11:28 AM

rained @ 2:50 PM

i am just a useless person in their eyes.
i am hurt.

i hate them when they are being so unreasonable.
i hate them when they push all the blame to genetics.
i hate them when they are not at all supportive in whatever i do or say.
i hate them when they showed favouritism.
i hate them when they portray different personalities in front of different people.
i hate them when they only think for themselves and not others.
i hate them when they scolded me after i raised my opinions.
i hate them when they just ask me to leave the house if i'm unhappy.
i hate them when they just ask me to go and die if you have the courage to.

so, will they be happier if i'm dead?

everytime,
i will hear them say all the husbands in the family are USELESS,
thats why WE are all useless too.
tell me, how useless am i?
everything i do, i do it not only for myself.
but still, they will still think that i'm a useless person.
and that i had better not have my own family,
else they will all be useless too.

what can i say?

my heart's pain.
my heart's crying.

sometimes i really wish that i dont exist at all.

(read through the previous posts about kinship, i realised how silly i was to think that they really treasure the people in the family - all are nothing but craps!)

rained @ 3:50 PM

if only things were like 1 year ago,
where i was enjoying myself at lotte world, korea.

today is a real terrible day.
its been so long since i cried so badly, very badly.
and i'm feeling very tired.

i dread waking up every morning.
life's horrible.

i just wish for time to stop right now.

rained @ 9:07 PM

today is grandmother's 84th birthday.
we had an advanced birthday celebration for her yesterday.
i'm so glad that she was in good condition,
(i.e. being able to sit upright; singing her favourite childhood songs).
if only grandfather is still around,
we will be celebrating both of their birthday's together,
since coincidentally, their birthdays are just days apart.
though he's not around anymore,
but still, he's not forgotten.
never will he.


anyway, i hope that more such celebrations would come.
but then,
its seems that grandmother only have daughters.
weirdly, but indeed.
where are all her sons?
not even a phone call to wish her,
not to mention asking about her condition ever since grandfather passed away.
its really upsetting to know that,
having sons are really useless,
for no one bothers in the end.
they will only all appear during CNY or funerals.
seriously,
that sucks isnt it?
the whole big family can only gather together when someone in the family passed away?
woahhh.
very realistic.


sadly, but in reality,
one will realise alot of those ugly truth as one gets older.
lucky for me,
i was being brought up in this part of the family where kinship matters.
i treasure them alot,
especially the older ones,
for you will never know when will they leave us.
speaking of which,
bad news came in today.
grandmother's younger sister passed away just this morning,
on grandma's birthday.
sighs.
only at this point of time,
i'm glad grandma is senile.

rained @ 12:58 PM